just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
good for her
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work