I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You Might Also Like
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
🤣🤣💀
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My typo game is string.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn