normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot