Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.