[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.