I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
translated into Canadian
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.