You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
a lot to unpack here
But wait…
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney