My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
You Might Also Like
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
What’s so funny?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR