THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.