IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”