But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.