Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
How many calories are in Twitter beef?