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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I love you…
…r dog.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.