– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]