If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Not all heroes wear capes…
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I am yelling
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.