[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I love twitter
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
goldfish mafia
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.