(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
In Canada they just call them geese
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.