Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.