Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
yeah 😭
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Cake!!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.