“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.