[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price