I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane