(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”