Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
You Might Also Like
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Saturday
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one