Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
This took me a second..
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist