My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Skills
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*