Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals