[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
how high up are we talkin’?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Perfect
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!