ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Finished stitching this today 😇
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.