Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral