5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos