If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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Where is your GOD now????
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Challenge accepted.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.