Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.