Ladies, why y’all do this?
You Might Also Like
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
step 6: release the wall snake
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.