Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
You Might Also Like
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
pelicons
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
how to have fun when you’re poor
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.