INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.