You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.