Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Money is the root of all wealth
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.