Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
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Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My neck my back my allergy attack
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.