{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
real
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
new year update: losing everything but weight
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[eats all your cotton candy]
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”