me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
3% human
97% stress
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.