My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer