*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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Love is in the air fryer.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.