God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
*watches the world burn*
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
At least he brought enough for everyone
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.