HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard