You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Pretty certain I can more drunk
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*