*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Mornin
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.