[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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This kid is going places
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.