things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
What a chick magnet..
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My birthstone is kidney
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.