all toddlers look the same when telling a story
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
#Caturday
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.